(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back