A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
You Might Also Like
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.