A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
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Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
secret recipe