Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

Who called it baking and not making love

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move