A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
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I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I ate everything, including the H.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
#milo
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.