@Beer_Blonde_

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

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@eminmien

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

@MegsHAUSTED

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

@LackOfShame

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

@iGreenGod

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

@SissiSay

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

@MrFilmkritik

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

@nealbrennan

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.