A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
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Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES