A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant