AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
You Might Also Like
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Duck typos.
don’t be scared
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail