AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
You Might Also Like
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…