[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
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My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents