[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
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therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.