“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
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If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Breaking news:
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.