aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I love you to the refrigerator and back