[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
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Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
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“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.