Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
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10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
constantly working on myself.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous