About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.