About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
