About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
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Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*