About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”