About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
sugar glider wrangler
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.