[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
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Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
When someone trying to leave me
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you