*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
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Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”