About to form my very first opinion
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Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
He-man has a Masters degree
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs