About to go for a run, because shoplifting
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*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter