[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Why is this me 😫
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.