[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
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Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
spot the difference
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.