About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
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I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
This 4th of July, please remember…
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.