[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
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Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Baller is short for ballerina
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Happy Taco Tuesday