About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
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She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.