ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
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Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Jurassic park gets weird
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Saw your ex at the shops
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.