[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.