Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
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I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
ok this is my dumbest yet
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.