Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
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If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too