Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
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Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.