Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
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My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.