Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
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Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.