Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
This was a bad idea all around
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
adding to the discourse
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
