Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
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[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
There is wisdom there.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.