absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
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Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.