Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
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James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.