Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
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My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
no one likes gloating
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
you know what ruined my childhood? children