Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
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Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
That’s not how days work.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me