Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
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Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
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Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.