Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
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Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.