Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

Succinctly put.

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.