AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
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This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob