AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.