Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
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How dude HOW?!
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.