Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
When I laugh on my period
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow