Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
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Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.