*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
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The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
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Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.